17 Years of Parenting an Extremely Challenging Child: What I’ve Learned | Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, ADHD Dude

In 2006, I adopted my son, “A,” from the foster care system. He was almost nine.
He came with several diagnoses: ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. But those labels didn’t come close to preparing me for what parenting him would actually look like.

At the time, I was working in a school for students with significant behavior challenges.
I spent my day managing crisis-level behaviors—and then came home to the same thing. The difference was, at school, I had professional detachment. At home, I didn’t.

Early on, his psychiatrist said to me:
“This is attachment disorder. He doesn’t know how to do relationships. It’s going to take years before he can show appreciation. Buckle up.”
That statement was accurate.

It Wasn’t Just the First Few Years

This wasn’t a hard adjustment period. It was years of chronic, intense behavior.
Extreme defiance. Lying that didn’t serve any purpose.
Tantrums that escalated into property destruction.
Push-pull behavior—moments of connection immediately followed by disconnection.

Parenting him meant waking up every day bracing for conflict.

And this was while I was a licensed clinical social worker, trained in behavior intervention.
There was nothing in my professional background that prepared me for the relentlessness of parenting a child with this level of challenge.

What I Had to Learn

The traditional parenting strategies I’d been taught weren’t working.

Here’s what I did instead:

• I stopped engaging in arguments.
  
• I used affective calmness—responding in a steady, even tone that didn’t escalate things further.
  
• I stopped using strategies that assumed he could learn from consequences in the traditional way.
  
• I built structure and visual systems at home to remove the need for constant verbal direction.
  
• I focused on helping him build lagging thinking and behavioral skills instead of trying to manage every episode reactively.
  

It wasn’t fast or easy. It took time, trial and error, and a lot of adjusting my own expectations.

Why I Started ADHD Dude

When I looked for resources, what I found didn’t reflect what I was living.
Most of it was too clinical, too idealistic, or didn’t apply to kids like mine.

That’s why I started ADHD Dude—because there was a gap between what parents were being told and what actually works.

Everything I teach now comes from this experience—both as a parent and as a clinician.

Where Things Stand Now

Today, A is 26.
We have a relationship. But it took years to build, and there was no shortcut to get there.

Progress came slowly, and not in a straight line.
There were long stretches that felt stagnant, and times I questioned if anything I was doing made a difference.

But it did.

If you’re parenting a child whose behavior feels beyond what most people can understand, there are tools that can help.
You don’t need to figure this out alone—or keep trying things that don’t work.

Get the free ADHD Parenting Playbook at ADHDDude.com.