What Parents of ADHD Kids Need to Know About Self-Harm Threats | Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, ADHD Dude

Important Disclaimer

If you’re genuinely concerned for your child’s safety, take them to the nearest emergency room or call emergency services immediately. Safety comes first.

If your child with ADHD has ever shouted things like “I’m going to kill myself,” held a knife to themselves, or threatened to run away, I want you to know I understand how frightening that is.

As a parent, those moments don’t just shake you. They leave you feeling trapped, overwhelmed, and unsure of what to do.
You’re left asking yourself:

Should I give in? What if I ignore this and something really happens?

Here’s the most important thing I want parents of ADHD kids to know about self-harm threats:
In most cases, they are not actual signs of intent to hurt themselves.

They are a protest, a dramatic way of saying:

“I’m angry. I feel out of control. I hate this boundary.”

That doesn’t make the behavior acceptable, but it does mean you don’t have to panic. Instead, you need a calm, clear plan.

Why ADHD Kids Use Self-Harm Threats

Many children with ADHD struggle with cognitive flexibility, the ability to move on when things don’t go their way.

When frustration feels unbearable, they often reach for the most extreme language or gestures they can think of.

Not because they genuinely want to harm themselves, but because they’re trying to regain control in a situation that feels intolerable.

Understanding this doesn’t mean ignoring it.
It means responding with calm leadership instead of fear.

First: Enlist Your Child’s Supporters

One of the most effective strategies I’ve seen is involving trusted supporters, people your child respects and would not want to know about this behavior. These could be grandparents, aunts, uncles, or family friends. They do not need to be local.

Supporters don’t lecture or scold. They simply let your child know, “I’m here for you, and I know you’ve been making these threats.” Even if your child won’t talk back, they hear the message.

When my own son was younger, he didn’t make self-harm threats, but he would often become destructive when he didn’t get his way. After those incidents, my father would call him as a supporter while I stepped out of the room. It let him know this behavior wasn’t just staying hidden between him and me.

Supporters send a powerful message. This behavior is not a family secret.

Then: Make the Announcement

Don’t wait for the next crisis to determine how you’ll respond. You need a plan in place before it happens again.

Let your child know how you’ll respond going forward. This is called the “announcement.” It’s a formal way to communicate what you will be doing differently next time in response to their self-harm threats or gestures..

You are not asking them to change anything. You are setting the tone that this is a new boundary, and it will be upheld.

This step is essential because it signals leadership and helps you parent clearly rather than panicking.

Finally: Enact the Plan in the Moment

When your child makes a self-harm threat, your instinct may be to plead, scold, or give in to stop it. But those reactions often reinforce the behavior.

Instead, take a firm, calm stance. You can say:

“I know you’re upset. I’m not going to respond when you say things like this. I’ll talk with you when your brain is calm and ready to speak safely.”

Then walk away if needed. This isn’t abandonment. It’s de-escalation. You are removing fuel from the power struggle.

Staying Consistent is the Hardest Part

Once you stop responding the old way, the behavior may escalate before they improve.
That doesn’t mean the strategy isn’t working. It means your child is testing whether the new boundary is real.

If you remain calm and consistent, they’ll eventually learn:

This doesn’t work anymore.

That’s when real growth begins.

What This Teaches Your Child

Your child develops fundamental emotional regulation skills when you lead with calm, consistent boundaries.

Not from lengthy conversations about feelings.
Not from you over-empathizing with their feelings
But from experiencing steady, clear leadership from you.

This is the foundation of both of my parent behavior training courses:

• Capable & Confident (ages 4–7)
  
  
• Scaffolding Better Behavior (ages 8–17)
  
  

Both are included in the ADHD Dude Membership and are designed to help you stop parenting from fear and start leading with clarity.

A Final Word of Caution

If you are ever genuinely concerned that your child intends to harm themselves, take immediate action. Call emergency services or go to the nearest emergency room. Safety always comes first.

But in most cases, what parents are seeing is not intent. It’s a protest.
And protest requires leadership, not panic.

Moving Forward With Clarity

If your child has made self-harm threats, you don’t have to feel trapped. You need a plan and support to follow through consistently.

Inside the ADHD Dude Membership, I walk you through these steps in depth so you can stop second-guessing and start parenting with calm authority.

👉 Visit ADHDDude.com to learn more about the ADHD Dude parent behavior training programs.