Handling Emotional Outbursts and Aggression in ADHD Kids—Without Losing Control | Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, ADHD Dude

Does your child with ADHD follow you around the house when they don’t get the answer they want? Do they ask the same question repeatedly, escalate with emotional outbursts, or resort to property destruction or physical aggression?

You’re not alone. These patterns are pervasive and exhausting. But they’re also treatable with the right approach.

I’m Ryan Wexelblatt. I’m a licensed clinical social worker, former school social worker, and father of a son with ADHD and learning differences. I will share with you the evidence-informed techniques I used with my son and that I now teach in Capable and Confident and Scaffolding Better Behavior, my parent behavior training program.

These strategies are not about stopping every behavior in the moment. They’re about helping your child build the long-term skills to regulate themselves, and putting you back in the leadership role your child needs you to hold.

Why ADHD Kids Escalate When They Don’t Get Their Way

ADHD is a developmental delay in executive functioning, which includes skills like:

• Emotional regulation
  
• Impulse control
  
• Cognitive flexibility (the ability to shift gears when something doesn’t go their way)
  
  

Many kids with ADHD get “stuck” when they don’t get what they want. This leads to behaviors like:

• Following you around the house
  
• Asking the same question over and over
  
• Emotional manipulation (“You don’t care about me”, “You never listen to me”)
  
• Property destruction or aggression
  

It’s not because they’re trying to be difficult—they haven’t developed the self-management tools to handle frustration or adapt.

Strategy 1: Affective Calmness

The first technique is what I call affective calmness. This means showing calmness in your:

• Tone of voice
  
• Facial expression
  
• Body language
  
  

Even when you’re frustrated on the inside, you show that you’re steady. Why? Because kids with ADHD often try to provoke a strong emotional reaction from their parents when they’re dysregulated. When they don’t get that reaction, they begin to feel safer, and you reinforce that you’re in control, not their behavior.

Strategy 2: Clear, Brief Explanations (No Over-Explaining)

If your child keeps asking the same question repeatedly (e.g., “Can I have that game add-on?”), give one clear and respectful response, like:

“I’m not giving you my credit card to buy that.”

If they keep asking, say:

“I’m not going to respond again. I’m not ignoring you—I’m choosing not to answer because my answer won’t change.”

Avoid saying “Because I said so,” but also avoid over-empathizing. Too much explanation can signal to your child that you might give in, which encourages persistence.

Stay in one place. Don’t run from room to room or lock yourself away. Staying put models calm leadership.

Strategy 3: Responding to Emotional Manipulation

If your child shifts tactics—“You don’t love me,” or “I wish I were dead”—respond once, calmly:

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Please do not argue, over-comfort, or try to talk them out of it in the moment. This shows that emotional manipulation will not change your decisions, and that you won’t reward those tactics with more attention.

Strategy 4: Ignoring Negative Attention-Seeking Behavior

If your child starts making threats, becoming destructive, or trying to provoke you physically, remove yourself. Go to another room. Do not react in the moment—even if something is broken. If they follow you, stay in the room and do not give attention to these behaviors.

Why? Because attention—even negative attention—reinforces negative behavior.

Later, when your child is calm, have them do a “cleanup”—a term I use for any form of accountability or repair. This teaches that actions have consequences without reinforcing escalation.

If your child has supporters (trusted adults like an uncle, coach, or grandparent), this is the time to reach out to them. I teach this strategy in Capable & Confident and Scaffolding Better Behavior. Supporters can play a powerful role by checking in with your child when they’re struggling without lecturing or shaming.

Strategy 5: What to Do if Your Child Becomes Physically Aggressive

If your child crosses the line into aggression:

• Use a firm, direct statement like: “You cannot hit or throw things at me. I don’t accept that.”
  
• Remove yourself from the situation.
  
• When your child has de-escalated, immediately reach out to supporters who will let your child know that they know what happened and they are offering their support.

You can learn more about managing physical aggression in my detailed video on the ADHD Dude YouTube channel and inside the Capable & Confident and Scaffolding Better Behavior programs.

What This Teaches (And Why It Works)

As Dr. Russell Barkley explains, consistent, calm responses are key to improving behavior over time. When parents ignore attention-seeking behavior and maintain firm boundaries, children begin to internalize that:

• Escalation doesn’t get results
  
• Boundaries are real and predictable
  
• Parents are safe, stable leaders—even in the midst of big emotions
  
  

These are skills they will take into school, friendships, and adulthood.

What I Did With My Own Son

When my son was younger, he would knock over furniture and threaten to cause more damage if I didn’t give in. I didn’t grab things out of his hands. I didn’t try to reason with him. I simply removed myself and gave no emotional response.

He would narrate the damage he planned to do—and I said nothing.

Because I knew: if I reacted, I reinforced it.

When you stop reacting to destructive behavior, you stop teaching your child that they can control the household through dysregulation. And that’s where change begins.

Final Thoughts: This Isn’t About Perfection—It’s About Leadership

You might think, “This won’t work for my child,” or, “They’ll just escalate more.” I get it. I’ve lived it. I did all of this as a single parent. It was exhausting and lonely.

But the truth is that your child does not want to be in charge. When you reclaim your leadership role, your child feels safer, even if they push back at first. These strategies are not quick fixes. They are a roadmap to long-term change. And if you’re ready for step-by-step guidance that actually works, I’d love to help you get there.

Visit ADHDDude.com/FAQs to learn more or join the ADHD Dude Membership for access to Capable & Confident (ages 4-7),  Scaffolding Better Behavior (ages 8-17), and all of the Membership Site Courses.