Your child's destructive behavior is frightening and exhausting, and it can affect everyone in the home.
When your ADHD child is destructive because they're not getting their way, that's not a reflection of your parenting; rather, it's a reflection of not having a step-by-step plan in place to stop the behavior.
This free, downloadable PDF walks you through that step-by-step plan.
The longer destructive behavior continues, the more your child learns they can control the home through intimidation and destruction when they don't get their way.
To stop destructive behavior in your home, you need a step-by-step plan and daily behavior expectations tied to the privileges your child earns. This is what we teach parents through our evidence-informed Parent Behavior Training, which has helped thousands of families like yours.
If destructive behavior is taking an emotional toll on you or your family, you can change it by stepping into your parental authority, changing the way you respond to the behavior, and putting daily expectations in place for how your home and family members are treated. These expectations are connected to your child's "currency" (privileges earned for meeting daily expectations).
You can do this, and this free guide walks you through that plan so you can reduce the destructive behavior and help your child learn how capable they are.
Why does my child become destructive when they're not getting their way?
Destructive behavior can look impulsive, but intentional destruction requires forethought and planning. Property destruction in the home is a form of severe tyrannical behavior, where a child uses coercion and intimidation to take control in an attempt to get what they want. It is a common behavior in some children with ADHD.
You did not cause your child's destructive behavior, and you need a step-by-step plan that includes "pre-steps" to reduce and stop it.
Your child's destructive behavior isn't beyond their control, and you need to change how you respond before, during, and after it happens if you want it to stop.
Why the usual responses to destructive behavior can make it worse
In this short video, Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW explains why the usual responses to a child's destructive behavior, like trying to calm them down, trying to intervene so they don't break things, or trying to get your child to name feelings, often make the destructive behavior worse, and what to do instead using the "pre-steps" taught in our Parent Behavior Training sequence for your child's age.
Note: While this video was made for parents of 4-7 year olds, the information is the same for older children.
When does destructive behavior happen in children with ADHD?
This pattern often shows up when:
There are no clear daily expectations in place for behavior or for how the home and family members should be treated.
Parents haven't been shown how to step into their parental authority for the child's benefit.
The destructive behavior has continued for a long time, and the child has learned it works to get what they want.
The ADHD brain lives in the moment, so children with ADHD need structure, a defined parent-child hierarchy, and daily expectations to be successful.
Why don't common responses stop destructive behavior in children with ADHD?
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Gentle parenting and "connection before correction" approaches
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Getting the child to verbalize feelings or reflecting their feelings back to them
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Punishments that don't lead to lasting behavior change
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Talk therapy, play therapy, occupational therapy
Why these don't stop destructive behavior for most children with ADHD:
- There are no pre-steps in place. Pre-steps are what you set up before destructive behavior happens, so your child knows how you will respond differently to their destructive behavior.
- Daily expectations for behavior and helping around the house have not yet been established for your child to earn their "currency": the privileges they earn for meeting daily expectations.
- Therapy is not an evidence-based, recommended treatment for children with ADHD, which is why it's not included in the American Academy of Pediatrics ADHD treatment guidelines.
What should I do in the moment when my ADHD child is being destructive?
Before your ADHD child becomes destructive:
- Set daily expectations for earning their "currency." We teach parents how to do this in our Creating Daily Expectations course.
- Enlist supporters (people your child respects and wouldn't want to know about their destructive behavior at home) to reach out and offer support after a destructive episode.
- Let your child know how you will be responding differently to their destructive behavior through an "announcement letter."
- Inform your child that their supporters will reach out after an incident to offer support.
When it's happening:
- In the moment, stop talking; stop giving the behavior attention or emotional reactivity. Severe behaviors like property destruction thrive on undivided attention and emotional reactivity from parents.
- Separate yourself, other family members, and pets.
- Don't try to restrain your child or stop them from being destructive; this only reinforces how effective their destructive behavior is.
Lasting change comes from having a step-by-step plan in place. This is what we teach in the ADHD Dude Parent Behavior Training sequence for your child's age.
I’ve been where you are
Hi, I’m Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW
I'm an ADHD specialist and licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), a former school social worker, and the dad who raised a son with ADHD and ODD. My son was regularly destructive when he wasn't getting his way, this is a behavior I deal with for years.
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Inside ADHD Dude Parent Behavior Training, you'll learn
1
How to stop giving attention to and reacting emotionally to unwanted behaviors, such as property destruction.
2
Lovingly step into your parental authority so your child feels emotionally safe, knowing there are clear expectations for behavior at home tied to earning their daily "currency."
3
How to reduce and stop parental accommodation, which leads to destructive behavior.
4
Implement daily expectations for behavior, cooperation, and helping around the house so your child earns privileges.
5
So you can watch your child's behavior shift: less aggression, more cooperation, and a home that finally feels safe.
How do I start reducing my ADHD child's destructive behavior?
Step 1: Start with the ADHD Dude Parent Behavior Training sequence for your child's age:
Capable & Confident (ages 4-7)
Scaffolding Better Behavior (ages 8-18)
Step 2: Continue with the Creating Daily Expectations course for your child's age.
Step 3: Attend twice-monthly Office Hours to have your questions answered live. You can ask as many as you need.
Frequently Asked Questions
Will my ADHD child outgrow destructive behavior?
Does therapy help my child's ADHD behavior?
What is the ADHD Dude Membership, and what does it cost?
Why is my ADHD child destructive only at home?
Can this work for a child with autism, or "AuDHD"?
Destructive behavior shouldn't control your home. Without a plan, your child keeps learning that destruction gets them what they want. With a step-by-step plan, you can respond proactively instead of reactively, reduce and stop destructive behavior, and keep your home feeling safe. Your child learns how capable they are.
