Why Your ADHD Child Lies And How To Handle It
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Lying can be one of the most concerning behaviors for a parent of a child with ADHD, and it can leave you feeling powerless about how to address it. Lying in children with ADHD is rarely a moral issue. It is not a reflection of your child's character, and it does not mean your child has an empathy problem or hasn't internalized your family values. It is a behavior based in lagging executive function skills, and it improves when parents respond in a way that is not shaming or punitive.
ADHD Dude teaches parents a step-by-step plan for lying: what to do before, in the moment, and after. That plan comes from my own experience. My son's lying was chronic when he was younger, and I dealt with it in my home for many years. I used to give consequences out of anger, and I did not handle his lying in a way that improved it. The mistakes I made influence what I teach parents today.
Why Do Kids With ADHD Lie?
There is not one reason. There can be a variety of reasons, and sometimes more than one:
- Impulsivity. Lying can be done impulsively, with no forethought. But lying is not always impulsive.
- Future thinking. Your child isn't visualizing the potential consequences of the lie, so they don't stop to think it may not be the best choice.
- Brain voice. Inconsistent use of internal dialogue, the discussion we have with ourselves about whether to tell the truth.
- Episodic memory. These are the memories of emotions connected to past experiences. Many kids with ADHD struggle to connect emotions from past experiences to the present. If they lied before and got in trouble, they may not remember how that felt, which is why they might do it again.
- Novelty-seeking. The ADHD brain tends to seek novelty, especially when it is bored or understimulated. Some kids lie for entertainment, or because they like to see your reaction.
Does Punishment Stop Lying?
No. Punishments do not change lying in the future, and research shows two reasons why:
- Punishment doesn't promote truth-telling. Children were less likely to tell the truth when they were afraid of being punished than when asked to tell the truth to please an adult, or because it was the right thing to do (Talwar, Arruda & Yachison, 2015, Journal of Experimental Child Psychology).
- Punitive environments produce better liars. A harshly punitive environment fosters more dishonesty, and children become better at lying to hide what they did (Talwar & Lee, 2011, Child Development).
When lying is met with reactive parenting, such as consequences given out of anger, children learn to get better at hiding what they did. What works instead is proactive parenting.
How Should I Respond When My ADHD Child Lies?
Before: State your expectation
Share your family value about why telling the truth is important. That can sound like: "In our family we don't lie to each other, and if we do, we say what we did and we try to make things better, because that's how we treat each other in our family."
In the moment: Acknowledge the lie
- Acknowledge the lie. "I know you didn't brush your teeth. Can you please go do it within the next 10 minutes?"
- Don't force the truth. Kids with ADHD often feel ashamed after they lie. Admitting the truth makes them feel very vulnerable and brings up more shame.
- Don't shame them. Avoid statements like "I can't believe you lied. Why would you do that to me?"
- Stay on message. If your child denies the lie, don't get pulled into the argument vortex: "You lied." "No, I didn't." That doesn't get anywhere.
Don't personalize the lying as something your child is doing to you. That is very rarely the case. And avoid playing "armchair therapist," talking about how the lie made them feel or why they did it, because it doesn't lead anywhere constructive. Keep your message clear, concise, and concrete.
After: A "cleanup" for bigger lies
A cleanup is a small action your child does to repair the relationship, like a small chore or doing something nice for someone. Cleanups teach making amends and reciprocity in relationships. Save cleanups for bigger lies, not small ones. If you overuse them, they lose their effectiveness.
What a cleanup sounds like:
- "I know you didn't brush your teeth because your toothbrush is dry. You can clean it up by brushing now, and then we can read a book together. Not brushing isn't a choice because it means cavities, and cavities hurt."
- "You didn't take the trash out, and you weren't truthful about it, so now you need to clean it up. What are you going to do to clean it up?" If they say they don't know, give two choices, such as collecting the trash from the other trash cans or helping unload the dishwasher.
If your child doesn't do the cleanup, take a firm stance: state your disapproval and leave it at that. You don't need to keep talking about the lying.
What If My Child Lies to Friends?
Lying to peers is different from lying to family. Help your child understand the social ramifications of lying on peer relationships: other kids may not respect them, take them seriously, or want to be friends because they feel they can't trust them. This is based in perspective taking, understanding others' thoughts and feelings and how you're coming across to others.
What Changes When You Have a Plan in Place?
You stop getting pulled into the argument vortex, you respond proactively instead of reactively, and your child learns that trust is earned by the choices they make. Your child's behavior improves when you change how you respond to their behavior.
How ADHD Dude Helps
Lying is not an insight issue, and no amount of talking will improve it. Talk therapy, play therapy, and occupational therapy have not been shown to improve behavior in children with ADHD. That is why they are not part of the American Academy of Pediatrics' treatment recommendations. What the research shows is effective, and what the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends, is Parent Behavior Training. That is why ADHD Dude provides it.
I'm Ryan Wexelblatt, the creator of ADHD Dude. I'm the father of a son with ADHD and ODD, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), and a former school social worker at schools for students with behavior challenges. ADHD Dude's evidence-informed Parent Behavior Training has been used by over 20,000 families in more than 50 countries.
The ADHD Dude Membership gives you the step-by-step plan for lying, and the tools to carry it out:
- The foundation Parent Behavior Training sequence: Capable & Confident (ages 4-7) or Scaffolding Better Behavior (ages 8 and up), followed by Creating Daily Expectations (based on age).
- Capable & Confident and Scaffolding Better Behavior teach cleanups and how to take a firm stance.
- Creating Daily Expectations helps you set clear expectations at home.
- Socially Smarter, also included in the membership, teaches perspective taking in its first three modules, for kids who lie to peers.
- Twice-monthly Live Office Hours to get your questions answered as you put the plan in place.
If lying or stealing is happening in your home, start with the free webinar How to Handle Lying and Stealing. In this free webinar, you're taught how to deal with lying and stealing step by step: what to do before, in the moment, and after, in a way that's not shaming or punitive. Watch the free webinar.
FAQs
Q: Why does my ADHD child lie so much?
A: Lying in kids with ADHD is based in lagging executive function skills, including impulsivity, future thinking, internal dialogue, and episodic memory. It can also be novelty-seeking. It is not a reflection of your child's character.
Q: Should I make my child admit they lied?
A: No. Admitting the truth makes kids with ADHD feel very vulnerable and brings up more shame. Acknowledge the lie and stay on message.
Q: Does punishment stop lying?
A: No. Research shows punishment does not promote truth-telling, and harshly punitive environments produce children who are better at lying.
Q: What is a cleanup?
A: A small action your child does to repair the relationship, like a small chore or doing something nice for someone. Save cleanups for bigger lies.
Q: Will therapy help my ADHD child's behavior?
A: Talk therapy, play therapy, and occupational therapy have not been shown to improve behavior in children with ADHD. What the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends is Parent Behavior Training.
Like most ADHD behavior, lying doesn't improve through lectures or bigger consequences. It improves when you change how you respond, using an approach built for how ADHD brains learn. The ADHD Dude Membership gives you that approach: step-by-step Parent Behavior Training for the behaviors that wear you down.
