ADHD Child Hitting Siblings: Why It Happens & How To Stop It

Your child with ADHD gets stuck because they're not getting their way, and they're yelling because they're frustrated. Your other child makes an innocent comment, and suddenly, your ADHD child is hitting them. This pattern can get exhausting, particularly when your child with ADHD is the aggressor. It can leave you feeling like you're somehow failing, that this keeps happening, and your other child(ren) are the recipients of their aggression. The truth is, you're not doing anything wrong; you just need a proactive plan in place. 

This is parenting an extremely challenging child. Not because your child is malicious. Because sibling interaction repeatedly exposes executive functioning weaknesses.

Sibling aggression is reported in 85% of families with ADHD children. Unlike hitting parents, sibling hitting often stems from rivalry, impulse control, and frustration.

This behavior happens because executive functioning develops more slowly in children with ADHD, and regulation precedes compliance.

They know the rules. They cannot consistently access the pause button when frustration spikes.

Why ADHD Kids Hit Siblings More

ADHD reflects inconsistent performance, not lack of knowledge. After the conflict, your child can often explain precisely what they should have done. The issue is not awareness. It is in the moment performance. 

Sibling interaction is fast and emotionally charged. There is competition for authority, attention, and things... The environment changes without warning. There is rarely an adult structuring each exchange.

When frustration rises, your child must pause, inhibit the impulse, organize language, tolerate not getting their way, and select an alternative response. That sequence is dependent on executive functioning.  

If inhibition fails, the body moves before the pause happens.

Behavior is a skill issue, not a character issue. The aggression reflects a developmental lag in inhibition under stress.

Sibling Dynamics That Trigger Hitting

Most incidents do not begin dramatically. They begin with something ordinary. A belonging is moved. Someone comments, The emotional reaction rises quickly.

Children with delayed executive functioning experience spikes intensely. If they feel challenged, are not getting their way, or perceive they are treated unfairly, the reaction accelerates. 

The shift from irritation to physical action can happen in seconds.

This is sibling aggression in its most common form.

Immediate Safety Strategies

When aggression happens, asking questions like "Why did you do that?" or trying to process emotions is not helpful. Instead, what is needed is a firm but calm response. Taking a firm stance by letting your child know that you disapprove of their aggression is essential for them to hear in that moment; it teaches your family values.   A simple "I do not accept you hitting your sister" or "In our family, we do not hit each other" is essential for your child to hear each time.  

If aggression towards siblings is a regular problem, there needs to be a daily expectation that aggression not occur. This is covered in the Creating Daily Expectations courses, where parents learn how to implement clear, specific daily expectations for behavior and helping around the house. Creating Daily Expectations is part of the Confident Parents, Capable Kids Parent Behavior Training program.

After things are calm, you can ask your child to do a "clean up", which is a way to make amends to the person they've treated unkindly. A cleanup can be as simple as doing a chore for their sibling or helping them with something. Clean-ups are based on the premise that actions speak louder than words. They teach accountability and repair in relationships, something that can be difficult for people with ADHD who tend to move on quickly from conflict, with little thought about how their words or behaviors impacted others.  Clean-ups are taught in Capable & Confident (ages 4–7) and Scaffolding Better Behavior (ages 8–17).

Protecting The Non-ADHD Sibling

The sibling who is the recipient of aggression should never be made to feel that their sibling "just can't help it" because they have ADHD. ADHD is a description of how their siblings' brain works; it is not a justification for aggression or for treating others poorly. 

Additionally, they should not be expected to "tiptoe" around their ADHD sibling. They should not feel responsible for preventing escalation. Your other children are never responsible.

How the Confident Parents, Capable Kids Parent Behavior Training Programs Help to Reduce Sibling Aggression

Sibling aggression does not decrease because children are told to be nicer. It decreases when clear expectations and "pre-steps" are in place. "Pre-steps" are the things you put in place before the aggression happens, so your child knows exactly how you will respond.   In the Confident Parents, Capable Kids approach, children are never asked to change anything; instead, parents let the child know what they will change in response to their child's behavior. 

This includes:

• "The Announcement" is where you tell your child about the qualities you admire, take responsibility for allowing their aggression to continue, and let them know what you will change in response to their behavior. 
• Enlisting "supporters" means finding people your child respects who they likely would not want to know about their aggression towards siblings. Supporters can be a grandparent, an aunt, a family friend, or a neighbor. Supporters do not need to be local; they just need to be willing to reach out when there has been an incident of aggression. In Capable & Confident and Scaffolding Better Behavior, there is a downloadable PDF that families can share with their child's supporters to help them clearly understand what to say and what not to say.   Enlisting supporters is a powerful strategy because many children with ADHD want to keep their aggression a family secret. When they know people whom they respect will know about their behavior, aggression is often less frequent.  
• Having daily expectations in place for the behavior/treatment of family members and helping around the house. These expectations are tied to your child's "currency", which are the privileges you provide for them.   Currency is broken up throughout the day, so there is no "one and done". This way, the child knows that if they don't earn their currency for one part of the day, they will have other opportunities to earn it. In the Creating Daily Expectations courses, parents are taught step by step how to set this up.
  

The Creating Daily Expectations courses (ages 4–7, 8–11, and 12–18), Capable & Confident (ages 4–7) and Scaffolding Better Behavior (ages 8–17) are included in the ADHD Dude Membership. Thousands of families in over 50 countries have been helping their child improve their behavior at home and feel better about themselves through this evidence-informed approach.

FAQs

Q: Why does my ADHD child only hit their siblings but not other children?
A: School environments provide more external structure, clearer rules, and consistent adult supervision. Home environments are less structured, and sibling interaction is faster and more emotionally charged. When the external structure decreases, inhibition demand increases. Performance drops under those conditions.

Q: Is ADHD sibling aggression intentional?
A: The physical act is voluntary. The failure to pause before the act is developmental. A child with ADHD often understands the rule but cannot consistently access inhibition when emotional intensity rises. The issue is inconsistent executive performance, not a lack of understanding.

Q: Why do consequences not seem to stop the hitting?
A: Consequences fail when they are delayed, emotional, or unpredictable. If skill instruction has not occurred first, the child does not have a replacement behavior available under stress. Consequences without skill-building do not increase inhibition. Skill instruction must precede consequences.

Q: Should I make the siblings stay apart to prevent conflict?
A: Separation protects safety in the moment. It does not build capacity. The goal is improved performance within structured interactions. Inside the ADHD Dude Membership, parents learn how to install predictable systems at home, and Socially Smarter (Ages 4–17) teaches children the pause-and-language sequences required to reduce escalation.

Q: Will my child grow out of hitting their sibling?
A: Executive functioning develops more slowly in ADHD. Improvement happens when clear, age-appropriate expectations match developmental capacity and structured skill-building is consistent. Time alone does not fix the problem. The structure and expectations you create in your home do.